


Nightmares

by aaronminyxrd



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2016-01-05
Packaged: 2018-05-11 23:48:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5646235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aaronminyxrd/pseuds/aaronminyxrd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>his mind is wary, and the nightmares won't seem to cease.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nightmares

**Author's Note:**

> i've become such stormpilot trash it isn't even funny anymore  
> credit to tumblr user kirill-has-no-chill since this is a collab (and bless his writing skills)

_“Traitor.”_

_The word was etched into his mind as he continued to run farther and farther away to wherever his legs would take him, panting heavily as he desperately covered his ears, but it was no use._

_“You cannot run from who you really are.”_

_His surroundings were a blur, darkness filling his vision, but he was determined to escape, determined to return to his new home, determined to return to-_

_“Your family? What of them? Do you really believe that they aren’t afraid of you, FN-2187?”_

_He stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes set into a glare, his fists clenched as he searched for the voice. “My. Name. Is. Finn.”_

_“Or so you say. You cannot escape your past, you cannot free yourself from that burden. You lied to us, you turned your back on us, you betrayed us. What makes you so sure that you won’t do the same thing?”_

_Before he could think of a proper response, a new figure appeared before him, clad in trooper gear, but the helmet had uneven streaks of red. He could feel his eyes widen at the sight._

_“What’s wrong, buddy? At a loss for words?”_

_The voice was suddenly familiar, and he dared himself to walk closer._

_“Who are you?”_

_“Another you left behind.”_

_And with that, the trooper disappeared, with a body left on the floor instead. He ran towards it, appalled by all the blood and frightened by how fast his heart was beating._

_“Poe?” he whispered, crumpling to the ground as he cradled the body in his arms._

_“You..” Poe coughed, his eyes opening ever so slightly, but they did not meet Finn’s._

_“It’s me, Poe, it’s going to be fine-”_

_“You did this.”_

_“I did...I did what?”_

_But there was no response, and his body went limp._

_“Poe? Poe!”_

 

“Poe!” he found himself suddenly back inside the General’s conference room...with all eyes on him. Realizing he had completely zoned out, he gave a sheepish smile, but before he could apologize, someone else began to speak.

“Is there something you’d like to discuss with me, Finn?”

Raising an eyebrow, he asked himself why Poe would ask him that; he just came to these meetings because it was mandatory. “Um, no, why would I..?”

“Because you called my name? Well, more like yelled, but..”

 _Ah, shit. Nice going, Finn. You seriously know how to make a man feel special._ He coughed before shaking his head once more, and the meeting was in motion once more. _I can’t believe I’m having nightmares during the day; I have enough going for me at night anyway._

Finn tried his best to remain as low-key as possible during the rest of the meeting, avoiding any means of eye contact whatsoever, but he couldn’t help but feel as if someone was watching him, and he shifted uncomfortably.

“All right, dismissed. Thank you all for your time.”

With a nod to the General, Finn scurried out of the room as fast as possible to save himself from any further embarrassment, only walking faster when Poe called out to him.

 

*****

It was the middle of the night when Finn decided to get out of bed and go walk around. He admitted to himself about half an hour ago that it seemed much more of a better idea then, for he was completely and utterly lost.

“How big _is_ this place? Damn nightmares, I wouldn’t be here if my dreams weren’t messed up.” He continued to babble on about voices and taunts and blood on the man of his dreams, until he ran into exactly that.

“Finn? What are you _doing?_ Not that I’m not glad to see you, but it’s the middle of the night.”

“I could ask you the same thing, though.” was all he replied, looking away and trying to avoid the question, but Poe only laughed, and Finn had to fight the urge to grin at the melodic sound. Instead, he tugged at the sleeves of his newly given jacket, something he seemed to always do when he was nervous, and right now, he was damn well nervous. Hell, any interaction with Poe Dameron left him with weak knees and evil moths of anxiety endlessly fluttering in his stomach, not to mentioned a completely flushed face.

“Come on, buddy, what are you _really_ doing here? You can tell me anything.”

Finn froze at the word “buddy,” and the nightmare he had continuously been having came flooding back, and he found himself beginning to take steps backwards, afraid of hurting Poe under any circumstance. _I had this once. I could do it again. I can’t risk that._

“Finn? What are you doing?”

“I..I can’t. Not now… not you...”

And so he did the only thing he could do. He ran.   

“Finn!”

It was as if his nightmare was becoming a reality, with him running away from a voice in the darkness, except this time Poe was alive, and he intended to keep him that way, even if it meant that he would have to sacrifice a potential relationship of any sort with him. _Does Poe even care about him as much?_

Now, this is a question. Stormtroopers are never taught stuff about feelings and sexualities. They never even learn biology properly. Because stormtroopers don’t need it. But finn does, because he is not a stormtrooper anymore and he has zero knowledge or experience in life. Yet, as soon as he saw Poe Dameron, something snapped in his head. He doesn’t even know what this feeling is, all he knows is that it’s complete opposite of hate. Because all he’s been taught before was hate, and what he felt towards the best damn pilot he has ever known of, was clearly so so different. Yet it was as strong as the hate he has seen in First Order.

First thing he noticed about Poe Dameron was how emotional his face looked, it showed clearly how much he cared about things. Finn even felt kinda jealous, because his emotional spectrum was poor, most feelings didn’t even have a name in his head. Especially the new ones that he felt when in presence of Poe.

_“Do you need a pilot?”_

He certainly does now, but what confuses him the most is, that it’s not kind of ‘need’ that is usually felt towards just a pilot. It was the same, as Han Solo needed general Leia. That is called love, people said. Did he love Poe Dameron? What even is the concept of love, no one has ever told him about that, but what he felt looked an awful lot like what people associate with this concept. This was all so wild, so new to him, Finn just had no idea what was going on with him. All the nightmares did drive him mad, but the whole new spectrum of emotions confused him even more. All he knew was, he really did need Poe. He was Finn’s light in this infinite darkness he was slowly fading into.

Finn was so lost in thought that for the second time that night, he staggered backwards due to the impact of him hitting a wall. Well, not exactly a wall.

“Are you fucking serious?”

“Afraid I am, bud.”

 _You’ve got to be joking ._ “Poe, listen to me, you _need_ to stay away.” Finn tried to walk past, but he only blocked the way, and the more he pushed himself against the wall, the more Poe filled in the space between them

“Why?”

“Because..because..you just need to.” _Or else I could potentially kill you, as messed up as it sounds._

“What if I don’t want to?”

“Poe, I already- Wait, what?”

“I said, what if I don’t want to stay away?”

Poe was in front of him now, looking up so that their eyes could meet, and Finn felt his breath hitch.

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t necessarily think you want me to stay away either.”

“Poe… you don’t understand. It’s not about me not wanting you away.” His voice sounded hurt, “It’s about the possibilities. Look at me. I betrayed all my fellow troopers, all we ever believed in for selfish purposes, I lied to Rey about being in the Resistance, I don’t even.. I don’t even have a name for myself, other then the one you gave me.” Finn’s voice broke into a sob. “I have no idea what I am and yet, I’m still lying to everyone that I am something.” he tried to get himself together, clenching his hands and scratching the back of his head.

“I’m a mess, sorry. Go to sleep, Poe...”

What exactly is it called, when a person puts their arms around you, pulling you close to themselves in order to make you feel safe? Finn didn’t know. But that was what Poe did and it even made him want to cry more. He put his arms around Poe and squeezed him so tight, as if he was the last and only person to help him breathing. Which partly was true.

It was then, Finn knew that if this feeling - feeling of being safe, being cared for and protected - is what love is defined as, then he loves Poe Dameron.

And it was also then, when Finn knew they couldn’t ever happen. Not if the nightmares continued, not if any of them could prove true.

“I can’t. I can’t do this.” Finn said shakily.

“Finn-”

“I can’t be with you. I can’t risk it, I can’t risk _you_. Poe, I could hurt you. I could betray you, I could betray everyone, I could..I could..” And with that, Finn fell apart as he slid against the wall and onto the floor, tears streaming down his cheeks as all the fear and anxiety finally caught up to him.

“Finn?” Poe’s voice was soft as he crouched down, gently taking Finn’s hands away from his bloodshot eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me you were having nightmares?”

Finn remained silent, his breathing ragged, and Poe sighed. “Okay, better question, why did you believe those nightmares would come true?”

“Because they did before.” Finn croaked, tears threatening to fall once more. “With that guy one of you shot, with others..I can’t bear the thought of it… happening to you. I betrayed them. I just left them. And now they’re probably dead for even just being in the same group as me-”

“Hey, buddy, slow down. First of all, you’re not going to kill me, nor will you be a reason in which I could die. I’m a Pilot, near death experiences are part of the job, and you know that too.” he gave Finn a small smile. “You didn’t betray them, you didn’t betray anyone. You never have, and you never will. You’re a good person, and your past defines nothing.”

Finn was at a loss for words, but he heard someone once say actions spoke much louder, and so, he took Poe’s hand and squeezed it tightly. With that, the pilot helped him up, holding him again and preventing his shaky figure from falling. This was just an action of support, but it conveyed more emotion than anything words could say, and Finn was truly and deeply grateful. “Poe, I-”

“Nah, bud, I get it.” He laughed as he pulled away, still holding Finn’s hand. “Sometimes you just need a little pep talk. Doesn’t do too well to dwell on the past, especially alone.”

A comfortable silence followed Poe’s statement before he spoke again. “Speaking of alone, how about you spend whatever’s left of the night with me?” In the dimmed light, Finn wasn’t sure if he saw what he saw and Poe really blushed. “ That is, if you want to. I mean, you’ve been having nightmares, and I know I’m a very inspirational person, but you know-”

“You talk a lot.” Finn simply said as he smiled weakly and squeezed his hand again. “Lead the way.”

With the support of Poe’s hand, Finn still felt his head spinning. He didn’t know if it was because of anxiety or because he was internally dying of happiness because Poe fucking Dameron was holding his hand and they were so close it was intoxicating. Slowly, they made their way to a room which was apparently where Poe slept and kept his things in. It was simple, with grey walls and minimal amount of  stuff to be seen. But it had a comfortable-looking bed with cozy duvet of orange color. Orange like Poe’s uniform, and Finn realised that of all colors, orange was his favorite one. Wow, this is serious.

Poe brought him to the bed and slipped right in.

“Make yourself comfortable and tell me if I get creepy, ok?”

Finn blinked in confusion but slipped in too. It was cozy and warm, and also being close to Poe drove him crazy but in a good way. In the best of ways.

They just layed there, occasionally staring at each other, not able to bring themselves to say anything. Finally, exhaustion took over Finn’s mind and his eyelids dropped closed. He absent-mindedly felt strong arms being put around him and quiet breathing somewhere near his head. Finn has never felt like this and it was bliss.

 

They woke up the next morning in a very strange position. It was a day when they had no things planned on, so no alarms needed. Just natural waking. Finn was the first to wake up and the first thing he noticed was a feeling of someone’s face pressed up against his shoulder. Of course, he opened his eyes as soon as he could, only to find ruffled dark hair of the man of his dreams brushing his face, and man’s arms tight around his waist. Finn couldn’t help but admire the view. He felt a strong urge to stroke Poe’s hair or just touch him in any way, but he decided to not go too far and just pulled the cover over his bare limbs, squeezing the guy closer to himself at the same time. He closed his eyes again, when…

“Good morning, Finn.”

“Oh yeah, hello Poe” Finn felt his face flushing. “Sorry for waking you up.”

“It’s okay, don’t worry. I wasn’t fully asleep actually.”  
“Oh.”

Poe furrowed his eyebrows.

“How did you sleep?”

Finn thought about it for a bit. Sleeping with Poe was so nice, he felt so comfortable, he had no dreams at all. No nightmares. He realised it and couldn’t stop smiling.

“Nice. Thank you for caring.” He said, finding Poe’s hand under the duvet and squeezing it. It wasn’t even an act of gratitude, more of… affection?

“Yeah, you are welcome.” Finn looked away thoughtfully. “You know what Finn, I actually need to sort some things out. It has to do with you.”

Finn swallowed and froze. Poe noticed it immediately and laced their fingers together gently.

“No, not like that. Please, don’t be scared.”

“Okay.”

“Well, this night I found something out, that I really want to tell you about.” He started. “You should know, that i actually care about you a lot. I don’t know if you get what I am talking about, but listen. I possess certain feelings towards you that consist of me caring about you much more then I probably should, but you don’t need to worry about them. Just… Just tell me if you care about me as much, because.. you know… I got really scared about you last night and I don’t want you to suffer like you do.” The pilot seemed to pull Finn even closer, clenching on his hand, his eyes shut. “Just, next time something bad happens, tell me? I will have heart attack if you ever end up like last night.”

“Don’t be like this. Stop being so damn caring, Poe Dameron.”

“I can’t. I literally can’t.” Poe opened his eyes and looked directly in Finn’s. Something in this look touched a string in his heart. Finn’s eyes started embarrassingly watering. He couldn’t take it anymore, couldn’t take any more secrets. He shut his eyes in order to stop the stinging he felt and decided to get everything out as quick as possible.

“Listen here, you space fucker Poe Dameron. As soon as I saw you on the base, I knew that something is wrong. And you know what was? I was wrong. I thought that we are gonna be good friends. We are not. The feelings I have are not friendship.” He gulped and breathed in. “I have no idea what this even is, we are not taught emotions in First Order. But from what I got within the time I have been out of it… I love you, Poe Dameron. If this feeling of limitless care and affection, the inability to think about anyone but you and craving  you in any kind of sense is called love, then I love you more than anything ever.” Finn felt his face burning like the Starkiller Base, but the impression on Poe’s face was so worth it. The pilot sat up and drew him in a bone-crashingly tight embrace. His face was red and eyes bloodshot and all that could be heard was him whispering ‘I love you too’ over and over. Then he sighed and smashed their lips together (was it what they call ‘a kiss’?), but then it got gentle and Finn could swear he has never felt happier. He has never felt even just ‘happy’ but this time, he felt like everything else in the universe disappeared. Only leaving a stormtrooper and a pilot all caught up in each other, wrapped in an embrace with nothing but love for each other in their hearts.

 

**Author's Note:**

> if someone could drag me out of this hell that would be nice
> 
> come scream with me on tumblr!  
> http://aaronminyxrd.tumblr.com/


End file.
